my head, my hell.

when no on hates you more than your reflection.

2008-09-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

the rocks you kick, are the stones i've thrown. your warehouse needed some fresh air. if i wasn't such a pessimist i'd be alive by now. living isn't much when you don't feel it. when you can't make your way through the situations that have made you, you. that were supposed to build character, have installed chips on your sholders, and landmines in your daily rountine. i wouldn't mind blowing this popsicle stand. the rocks i'll kick, will be the stones you've built your happy homes on. for starters, i'm the burying hatchets next to the phone numbers. yeah, i've lost some sleep this year.

sicken.

2008-07-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

the word "hate" has never sat well on my tongue, always insincere when i use it. but i hate this feeling. i'm always the fool, the joke. the sad joke, i've never been taken seriously. i'm sick of it. fuck you.

respite from sadness.

2008-07-07T23:18:00.000-07:00

hallucinations due to nights lacking sleep. due to sleep lacking dreams. this is not the break i was referring to. i'm talking about the air quality. i need to see from the stars, top down. i need to stretch my arms, my legs, far and wide. above the atmosphere. and find a home that doesn't hold me like a burden. but a brand new day. i need this.

sleeping dogs.

2008-06-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

when your secrets are only secret because no one cares.
when you feel like a liar when you smile.
when you don't want to go to sleep.
when you don't want to wake up.
when your best days are dreams.
when you can't stand your reflection.
when you crave escape more and more each day.
fuck off life.

no resolution.

2008-06-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

when will i learn? when will i change? optimistic? pipe-dreamer? sucker? all apply. i don't think it's wasted time. regret is waste, i've wasted too much already. but i've seized days at the wrong time, and now second guess myself, too much, too little. it's hard to tell when you're always wasting. words are forming in the back of my head, dying before they get to the frontline. gold mine-field. i wish i couldn't sleep sometimes, living in dreams is counter productive. procrastination life. i need an escape plan.

i fear, i swear.

2008-06-17T00:21:00.000-07:00

one million thoughts a second. my mouth trips over my mind, my mind trips up my heart. my heart trips over everything. i fall for anything. piano wire or heart strings. a cut rate nobody, think about it. i'm working on wings. wheels. can't slow down. won't hold back...liar. shut up, sit down, you won't get far. if you can't get out of your head. get out of my head. an ipod dj at a self-pity party, taking requests.

home: the concept.

2008-06-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

over the years i've given up on a lot. one thing though, that i've always kept, was my eventual escape plan. i've always wanted to get away, other side of the fence syndrome. it's not that hard to think like that when you feel so out of place. when the only ones that really know you aren't around. when there aren't that many that really know you. and even less that appreciate you. people are like, well people. and i may sound like a cynic, but people mostly suck. i've let too many good ones slip from my life, another regret.

they don't know me, dottie.

2008-05-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

i need to pull the rug from beneath myself. tablecloth, smooth move. making mistakes. i can't stop saying what i mean. i knew no one was ready. too much too soon. never enough for me. i need a reckless listener, a modest mindset. i can't sleep in these daydreams. my mantra, plural: stay gold. roll with the punches. don't let the bastards grind you down. when life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold. all are bad signs of bad times. can i get a witness? an amen? a fucking break?

words v. silence pt. 2.5.

2008-05-19T22:08:00.000-07:00

living in a gold mine, field. you know the exits, where you should be, but where you are is where you'll stay. i'm an escape artist, oversleeping.

bracing for endings.

2008-04-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

a long time ago i claimed not to play games, and i still don't. but i've realized i play roles, i'm typecast as the victim, if not, defaulted to the clown. the jackass. this is the reason i breathe slow. i'm not happy. i'm done, i've said that before but not about this. i'm calling quits, long distance, local. taking up the role of the absentee witness, maybe the stand-in for the pipe dreamer sometimes. point is, i'm out. done, gone. don't try to give chase. i will outrun you all. i'm all heart, lungs, legs.

speaking out of turn.

2008-04-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

i wrote this as i was coming down.
people are not maps, maps are useless when you're alone. despite the compass bearing, you're staying lost. even when you know exactly where you are, no one else does. maps are only good for showing distance, the distance we put between. the heart beats and the quiet moments. i'm lost, looking for the heart beats in those quiet moments. for the needles in these haystacks. for the something in those every things. like i've said, i'm an island, and my sails have no ship, no wind. only white and distance.

my head, my hands.

2008-04-04T22:34:00.000-07:00

i've never stood on this block before, i've had his thought before, but not here. i don't, know the words. i can't, see the things. the way i've compared my relationship, is just that. of a ship. a boat to the sea, a plane to the sky, a dream to the stars. i'm not to scale, i'm out of my league. i'm on my own. i don't know how to let go of something so vast. i am so small. i get lost. no man is an island? i'm not so sure.

the drums inside, grow faint.

2008-04-01T00:38:00.000-07:00

i've been pocket booked, secrets like hair color. hearts like sleeves. no one cares, i don't care. DB cooper hid his fortune in my stomach, turns out it's only drunken butterflies. on repeat. on shuffle. i haven't touched those records in months, but i can't get the hook out of my cheek, the lines, the sinkers. "i have a large collection of thunder that i stole from your windowsill" when that storm finally comes, know i'll be gone. i am gone.

dear pilot,

2008-03-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

if you can make a stop, inside my head, to get me out of here, i would double what they're paying you, no triple. if it's too much trouble i'll understand, but know i have the memory of an elephant, and the heart of a caged lion. so i don't know where i'm coming from.

hungry for a holiday.

2008-03-23T04:17:00.000-07:00

i would burn down the night sky if i could. pocket astronomy guide circa 1980 be damned. fuck you ursula minor. i crave a break from these nights, like a snapped neck in the summertime.

listless.

2008-03-22T12:21:00.000-07:00

i can't decide what i hate more. the parallels or the intersections.

i, escapist.

2008-03-21T01:27:00.000-07:00

i have come to accept that i don't deal with things properly. i'm an escapist in almost every form. from using sarcasm and humor to cover up my inadequacies. to reading comic books and playing video games. i get obsessed with TV shows or movies, or books, or just things. that are not real life, because i have been unsatisfied with my life, for a long long time. my biggest escape is music, i can't go one day with out listening to music, it's been my longest obsession. i don't know if it's the written emotion in the lyrics or the unwritten emotion in the music itself. all i know is that it is my rock. it never leaves me. i constantly have a song in my head, if not multiple. i have found few that have shared my passion. not of my taste in music. but the passion. it's the only love i've said with out regret in my mouth.

disconnected.

2008-03-19T22:43:00.000-07:00

i am terrified that i am crazy. i feel alone all the time, regardless of where i am or if anyone is around. it has to do with my head. i have trouble connecting with everyone i meet. i rarely find that anyone can relate to me, but i can relate to them. i feel like i'm not supposed to be here, like i'm half finished or just wrong. completely off. out of step. i fell that i'm too aware sometimes that if i was just ignorant then i could be happy. but i always feel missing. i see how things are and how messed up things and people are. that people don't trust people. that people shouldn't trust people. that most people are insincere and not genuine. and these are the social skills i feel that i lack. but i've compensated by keeping it all in and isolating myself. accidental and not. i feel like an island. and that no one is gets me. growing up they told us everyone was different and that if was normal to feel not normal. but i still felt like an outcast without actually being cast out. i had friends and acquaintances throughout school, but i never really felt like they understood me the way i wanted. and i think it has to do with expectations or standards. that i felt weren't completely unreachable. but i never really let myself abandon any attempt at being social. i still tried, if not for the fact that i seemed to be liked, but only as a casual, superficial friend. i was the clown. and i grew into that mold. but i still never clicked with anyone. and it's continued to this day, with very few exceptions. obviously i've learned to adapt and seem normal. but i still don't feel the way i think others feel. every "best friend" i've had for as long as i remember has been passing, or a concession i say because i spend a lot time with them. i never feel the way i think i should. whether it's trying to measure up to the standards i saw in movies or tv, i can't say anymore. but i know i feel alone 99% of the time. that one percent involves emotions and confusion that ended in lies and pain but i felt at home a few times. so i have a point of reference, i think.

for the record...

2008-03-17T22:57:00.000-07:00

i'm taking it all back.
every word.
every smile.
every laugh.
every thought.
every kiss.
every hug.
every.
single.
thing.
no apologies.